Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Beautiful Disaster

Pray for these sweet faces.

I want to just be raw and real before everyone who reads this blog.
It is has been a great time and also a very difficult time for our ministry. We are being stretched and challenged in our hearts to trust God. I have never been so desperate before God in prayer as I have in this past week. There is much that I am not allowed to share but what I can tell you; our team needs prayer. Today was the first time in a very long time that I wanted to give up. I have been so discouraged but have had to put on a brave face for my team and those around me. I buckled today under that pressure and began to just cry out to the Lord. I was Iso broken over some of our obstacles, set backs, failures and the lack of resources to help some girls we knew were trafficked and sitting in a brothel waiting for help. I felt as if everything was crumbling around me and I was at a loss as to how I should even pray. No words would even form. I sat so still and silent and glanced down at my bible and it just happened to be turned to Romans 8. This is what I my eyes found:

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

I can't tell you how my soul needed to read that passage. There was my answer! I love me some Romans 8!
I think sometimes I forget how God sees my prayer. I know the truth that I can come to him broken and hurting but many times I think opposite and try to put a brave front on for Him. Yet, my tears and broken state I think He sees as beautiful. I feel like a disaster and I know He sees that disaster but He sees it as a beautiful disaster. I am the least qualified person for this job, but He uses me. I make mistakes but He continues to give me responsibility. I am scattered and forgetful but He smiles and organizes my mess. He brings beauty to the table and I bring disaster and somehow it comes out looking so much better than I could have dreamed.

Two years ago when I purposed in my heart to fight against sexual exploitation in this generation, God wrecked my life beautifully. It has been crazy, difficult, exhilarating, challenging, rewarding, teaching and just plain fun. Even the times that I have wanted to quit, I have never regretted that decision. However, I always come back to the same decision. I will fight, I won't give up.
Faith is not ignorant of it's reality but chooses to defy that reality.